things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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