I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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