Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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