i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
