I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Acid is not a monday night drug
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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