On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
