Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
