at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize