I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
