i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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