Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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