I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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