at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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