she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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