In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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