I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
