i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
