I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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