Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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