when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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