u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize