I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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