I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
