My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
