the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
