Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
