On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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