he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
then he tried to convert me to islam
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
