just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
