Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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