every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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