I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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