the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
