i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
