you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
