meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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