My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
