I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
