I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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