I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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