I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Holy sore nipples Batman
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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