im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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