omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize