Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
