Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
