Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
