I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize