You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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