2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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