i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
