there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
