I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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