We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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