you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
