I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
