woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
