I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
is wine microwaveable?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
