I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
