Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize