The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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