A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
