so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
