Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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