i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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