I wish I could teleport
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
