Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
